Just where I’ve been in my head.

“…Things change. And friends leave. And life doesn’t stop for anybody. “

– Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower

So yes, life basically works like this. I’ve been thinking about it lately and I think this is a big part of the reason I find myself falling in love with cities far more often than people. That sounds bad right? But it’s just the way I am. I haven’t taken the Myers-Briggs personality test in a while, but my typical result is an ENFJ.That E represents being extroverted, and typically extroverts recharge their dissipating energy by hanging out with others. Either my personality type has changed, or I”m an exception. I love to hangout with people, and go on adventures but oh how I value my alone time. This is one of the reasons (I think) I don’t do so well in relationships because I haven’t figured out that balance yet of sacrificing my me-time. I mean, whatever, when the time comes and when I’ve met the right person I’m convinced this won’t even be an issue because it will be something that I want to do, and not feel like a chore. I say this because I’ve partially been in that situation before. Before the suffocating feeling starts creeping up. I guess what I’m getting at here is that I know I haven’t been blogging much lately, or really writing in general. I have started so many drafts of entries, and my journal has several pages with only a few sentences. I know what my feelings and thoughts are, but sometimes I’m not sure how to articulate them or exactly what’s even worth writing about.

Usually what I start to say is something like:

When I was a little girl, I thought I’d grow up and be a really independent woman. If I were in a bad relationship, I’d leave. If I was in a job that felt like it was sucking out my soul, I’d quit. If I didn’t like where I was living anymore, I’d move. But now, I’m not so sure. I don’t really feel like a “grown-up,” at this mid-twenty-something age, and I don’t know if I’m as independent as I’d imagined I’d be.

The relationship thing still makes sense to me because…well just because. When something doesn’t feel right romantic relationship or a friendship, when it’s toxic and more negative than positive, then it’s time to cut it out. And I’ve done that in my life. Either, I’ve made the decision to remove myself from the relationships that felt harmful, or sometimes life has done it for me. It doesn’t mean it’s not hard, and it doesn’t hurt but what hurts more? It’s literally exhausting attempting to keep in touch with people who don’t care much about keeping in touch. It’s sad but sometimes if you step back, you’ll realize you might be the one doing all the work and when you’re not? There’s nothing left. It’s rough, but it’s life sometimes. The older we get the harder it is, and what’s the point in investing a lot of emotion and time into a dead-end situation?

As for a job and the place to live? I’m not so sure. How do you know when enough is enough? How do you know when it’s time to walk away? Making changes means taking risks. How do you know when the risks are worth taking? I’m constantly torn between trying to tough it out, and wandering in this constant state of confusion when it comes to the big decisions of life. I feel direction-less right now. I don’t know what I’m doing with my life, and I don’t know what I want to be doing with my life so it’s hard to make a game plan of how to get there. I’m often tempted to just pack up and leave, move somewhere new and start over. Playing it safe is boring, but is it responsible? And I can’t help but think the longer I’m in a situation where none of my skill sets are used, it’ll be harder to remember how to effectively apply them in the future.

The job application process out there isn’t very encouraging now either, but it really hasn’t been for the past few years and who knows when that’s going to change? You would think my level of frustration would be motivation enough to make some changes in my life. That I would suck it up against the daily situations that make me feel invaluable and that I don’t have anything to offer, or that my work would be inadequate. But all of that is just a lie you can’t believe because if you did you wouldn’t keep going.

Sometimes, I just wanna run away to the beach and be a hermit. Craft and bake, run and write. Move to a big city and just explore until my money runs out. Go on a hiking trip until I’m so exhausted I can’t climb or wander anymore. Rest there and hope I come to an epiphany about it all.

So really obviously I haven’t found any solution yet, just to keep going and keep searching and enjoy the ride in the meantime and try not to get to hard or down on myself.

To accept that life changes, that there are things that are beyond our control. There are friendships that no matter how much we’d like to hold onto for our whole lives it’s just not an option. And in the midst of all these things, even when the chaos knocks us off our feet – life’s not gonna stop, so we better keep up. I know I’m not the only one in this weird middle place of life, odd position boat…and in the words of John Mayer: “It might be a quarter life crisis
or just the stirring in my soul.”

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