Anger is such a motivator for me, which is annoying and ridiculous because I hate getting angry but there are times when it just bubbles up inside of me like the kettle’s been sitting on the stove for days and the water just hadn’t boiled yet, then bam! the smoke has filled the kitchen and everything’s beeping and you can’t extinguish the mess fast enough. That’s what my anger feels like. Who wants to feel like that before 8am? Yeah, I didn’t think so.
I’m not that much of a confrontational person. I hate fighting. My feelings are so layered and complex and there never seems to be a point to it. Sometimes, I’m yelling at myself from the inside for something I should’ve already let go of. I don’t think I’ll let it go, until I do this trip that was royally screwed up, again – and do it right.
Anyway, that frustration motivated me to roll over and out of bed despite this lingering head cold I’ve been plagued with, and lace up my running shoes and head out the door. (Side note, I only got more frustrated when I accidentally hit skip on one of my favorite songs that popped up on Pandora: “West Coast” by Coconut Records. Yeah, total accident, such a shame but because I get so easily frustrated on the rough days, this just encouraged me to go ahead and run. I ran harder and faster than I have in quite a while, and it felt so good. There’s just the music, and my feet hitting the pavement, and the occasional dog-walker passing me by. We’re both in our pre-starting the real world of the day mode, so it doesn’t require more than a smile and a wave.
I could hear Conor Oberst in my head: “when everything is lonely, I can be my own best friend” while I planned my getaway. You know the one – where I buy a plane ticket, pack a back pack, and I leave. I explore for days and days. Take photos, see shows, eat good food, drink drinks.
Then I started thinking about how what I’ve craved lately, is everything I rejected in my teenage years. Back then I thought it was a horrible idea, removed and distant and lonely. I had this friend who basically lived in his own world. Every once in a while, I got trapped in there too. And it scared me. I thought it was bad for the soul – when you’re removed from the outside world how are your paths ever gonna cross? Adventure becomes a heck of a lot more limited. Sure, there is fun in this – the cooking, the creating, the games, the music. But isn’t it possible to find yourself somewhere between Peter Pan and boring? Having regard for the outside things like applications but maybe filling them out from a blanket fort? Lately I’ve been craving the ridiculous, playful, adventurous side. Regular life is a bit too lack luster for my taste. People have been driving me insane. I’m on the constant verge of deactivating my Facebook, but then how are people going to message me for my home address to engage in snail mail? See, the obnoxious invasive technology is a means to the end I really want.
I’m still not a gung-ho 100% supporter of that whole living in your own world theory, but the pros seem to be piling up. Kind of like the hermit life I day-dream about. Even if it’s only for a limited amount of time. And it’s not that I don’t like people. I love people. Human beings in all of their nuances. The way, when you put the right ones together, our humor thoughts and words interweave perfectly into a beautiful tapestry of life. Those kind of connections are what make it worth it.
But a little break wouldn’t be too bad, you know?
So, taking to the pavement helps me sort all this out – helps me not drive myself crazy. It lets the thoughts have some time to breathe instead of suffocating me. And now look – there’s a whole day in front of us.