Wednesday’s Words

I keep typing drafts, and I don’t click the publish button. I’m not censoring myself, but rather sparing you from being subjected to endless discontented rants. They’re not really endless. They just feel petty and pointless after I take a break and gather my composure again. Kind of like those things you get the urge to do at 2am, send a text to someone you haven’t talked to in a long time, order something completely unnecessary online, make some life changing decision, book a flight to some random destination. These ideas might hold more weight in the daylight, but in the middle of the night they’re impulsive and driven by some unclear desire. I’ve been reading a lot again lately. I know the way I pour myself into the pages, combined with all the miles on the road is a form of escape. Sure, a healthy outlet but I’m aware I’m avoiding some stuff that will catch up with me sooner or later. Sometimes, I’m reading and the words just strike me in a way that make feelings creep up I’d rather not remember. Life has a funny way of making its own twists and turns. While I know that whatever is ahead of me is sure to be a surprise, I know what’s behind me already. I’ll be twenty-five next week. That’s a lot of years worth of…junk. People and places and things. There are certain friendships that I thought would make it this far, and maybe in another twenty years I’ll be surprised, but right now, they’re not here. I know in any case, even the ones I don’t realize yet, this is for the better. Toxic relationships shouldn’t have any place in any of our lives because once we recognize the harm they’re doing, why would we continue to subject ourselves to them? So, sometimes these absences make my heart sink a little when I first turn my attention to them but the fact is the presence wasn’t much more satisfying. I remind myself, no man is an island. And I remember that there are dozens if not more, friendships and relationships and connections to be made and strengthened in the years in front of me. People I haven’t met yet, who one day I will wonder how I carried on without them? People to love and to laugh with, who mean well and make the world I know brighter instead of dimming the light. It’s gloomy outside, raining off an on, cloudy, dismal, windy and grey. People walk in and out the front door complaining about the weather, being sleepy, the temperature. Maybe this all leads me to be more reflective than normal. Maybe this post isn’t necessary at all, but I felt bad to keep avoiding typing anything, a little guilty for all the days I visit this page, fill this box with words, only to tuck them away. So, in the meantime, here they are, here are some thoughts. And with that, I hope you all have a wonderful Wednesday!

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