This morning, “Sparks” came on Pandora, and all of a sudden I was in the middle of a panic attack at the stoplight. I don’t even really understand what happened there, but my breathing was shallow and I couldn’t get enough air and my mind was full of maps and oceans and distance. Phone calls, and telephone wires, and musical notes, and the strings that piece everything together, and drag them slowly apart – like a sliding scale I can’t control. All at once it all felt very far away, but almost close enough to touch. And my heart panged for all the things I wanna say, all the things that linger on the tip of my tongue. And I ache with the last thought before I fall asleep. Sometimes, all of the possibility on this earth, overwhelms me. The connections, the kisses, the brains to peek inside of, the hands to hold, the voices to commit to memory that snuggle into their own crevice of your mind. It’s like sitting still will drive me crazy because these feet are supposed to be on the move, taking me somewhere new, to some uncharted ground. Air and grass my toes haven’t met yet, and the people that will walk that same solid patch of land.I bite my lip, and I wait for that metallic taste of blood, but it’s just an illusion. I hear the Yeah Yeah Yeahs tell me “Love don’t cry.” And I don’t. Part of me doesn’t remember for a moment, what it feels like to cry but I can tell you the last time I did. During “Home” by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros. It’s different when you’re crying the happy tears with a few thousand other people, all in awe of the beauty of life.
“Sparks” is Wedding Crashers, and a small town movie theatre. It’s leaving an ID behind, and losing your mind. “Sparks” is a track on a raw mixtape, and it’s a Coldplay song I developed an aversion towards. It leads me down a path where I’m reminded of young indecision, tormented angst, and tears and joy. And it’s funny because all that confusion was calming in the midst of that temporary anxiety this morning. And it brings me back down.
I think of the voice I listened to while I ate my cereal in the dim light of a foggy morning at the kitchen counter when my day began. It’s peculiar all these things that crawl inside of you and fit just right, and they don’t feel new, and you can’t remember exactly what it was like when they weren’t there because everything is so comfortable.
The weather out the window has had many faces throughout the morning. I’ve seen sunshine, and clouds skimming over the crepe myrtles, so they don’t really spread their usual glow. Then the thunder came, dark ominous skies rolled in, and raindrops pitter pattered in streaks across the window. Now the skies are somewhat blue again, and white clouds are rolling by. And I feel like all this indecision of what to be in the weather, is what my brain and heart and stomach are experiencing right now. Too many emotions, to know which one to settle in the feeling of, to many thoughts to give way to the space in my brain, and now they’ve all expanded and are running out of room.