a little note, for a happy monday.

Yesterday I went to the gym and I did laundry and I packed a bag and I drove to the beach. I turned the AC off, opened the sunroof, and cranked the music up. I felt my heart beat with the rhythm, and the sunshine from above warmed my soul. I forgot how therapeutic that drive can be. I forgot what it’s like to be alone in the car with myself, my thoughts and not be consumed by a grief that was waiting to sneak up on me. The Avett Brothers sing, “I’ve got worries to give to the sea,” and I was thinking that I might. But then I got here and I realized that I left all my worries behind. Life is too short to be caught up in the drama. Say what you feel and be done with it. Treat everyone around you well. Keep your heart open. I had a good long talk with a new friend a few weekends ago, and it only reminded me how important it is to live in the moment. We don’t know what’s ahead, and there’s a reason that the past is behind us. So, I won’t let my mind go to a twisty place of confusion or nostalgia when I realize that the first person I had a gigantic, heart-wrenching crush on in college when I was just 18 and impressionable and wide-eyed about everything ahead of me in those years, just got married. Closing some weird sort of chapter of the majority of people I spent years in life pining over, married off. And I hope they have happily ever afters. I thought I’d feel old, or weird, or unsettled but I still feel like a bird. I feel light and content and I know myself. I know my heart and I’m okay with where I am. I feel like I’m finally really growing up, and growing up doesn’t have to mean settling down because I’m still not quite sure how to do that and I still don’t know when I’ll want to. But I can communicate my emotions without raised voices, and I can listen – truly listen. And I can have a moment of frustration but not let it consume me. I can wake up and be in a totally different place with my feelings and it’s good. Basically I feel healthy. Really healthy. I’m not running like a maniac because I’m not trying to escape anything right now. And I was thinking about times when I wasn’t in such a healthy place, when my mind wasn’t full of sunshine and things were a little (or a lot) dark and twisty – and I’m grateful to not be there, right now. I’m grateful for the distance I have from feeling like that. Incredible that it’s a Monday, isn’t it?

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